A Dog's life by Elwyn Chamberlain

CHAPTER 12

'The next time Nibble and Moon visited me I was busy trimming pear trees in our orchard..... So you felt you were getting close to solving the riddle of your murder, I ventured as I climbed down from my perch and we headed for the barn.

"Crystal thought my hopes were pretty far fetched," Nibble replied eying his mate... "but looking at the way things have developed since we escaped the Scoggins, met Ramu and so on... I believe it was not only possible but probable."

At that time did you suspect any particular person?

"Yes, the Government. I knew they'd gotten wind of my life extension research and I'd been paranoid about their reaction to that... then, of course, there was Rostov... handsome Dimitri Rostov who could slip into my shoes and make a fortune though somehow I couldn't see him pulling that off. And then there was the possibility that whoever had wanted me out of the way had put out a contract on me. If that was the case I might never know... but I didn't give up hope."

And so there you were luxuriating on East 65th Street.

"Happily so... after what we'd been through it was great. We ate and slept, acted affectionate and polite and were terribly pampered... A nice rest."

Did Miss Greenfield get on television?'

'She certainly did,' Moon said, 'and in a big way too. At that time there was a television show hosted by an interesting woman called Gloria van Dam. Gloria was a beautiful upper class lady who'd descended from the peaks of fashionable society to what you might call the lowlands of the media in order to supplement a withering trust fund. She was as discriminating as she was intelligent... learned somehow, or maybe it was a natural talent, how to communicate with people from all walks of life... which made her program Conversations the most watched sixty minutes on American TV."

And Miss Greenfield got on her show?

"Not at first... like all talk show hosts, Gloria van Dam had scouts who screened prospective guests and helped put together her shows... if you attracted enough attention on a routine morning show, producers of important prime time shows like Gloria's would begin to make offers. And that's what happened to Rae... while we were being entertained by Hopkins, she had hired an agent, who promised to get her on some low level show... she didn't care what it was because she knew she'd developed some kind of common touch - when she spoke people chuckled - and judged correctly that if only she could get in front of a camera for a few minutes, she'd be a hit."

'What's the angle?' the agent kept saying, 'gotta have an angle.'

"Finally, for a certain consideration, he managed to get her a spot as the fourth guest on a morning show whose theme for the week was working women who'd done unusual things. Rae's pitch was that she'd worked at all those strange jobs... preferred work to a life of leisure. The show's producer thought it was a gamble as people might resent someone they perceived to have taken jobs away from those who really needed them... but desperate for someone to fill in for a woman test pilot who'd just canceled, he gave Rae her chance. The show was so unimportant it was live which was fine with Rae because she didn't want to be edited out."

"The first time she appeared she had about a minute on camera. Three days later the producer had received over fifty letters - a phenomenal response. She was asked back and given about three minutes... this time three hundred letters came in - some negative but mostly positive. Some called her the most important female humorist in decades... said she seemed to have the knack of saying things without offending anyone... things that viewers would like to say if they could get on TV. During her first two appearances she didn't have time to mention the Slave project but the third time round when she was given top priority as first guest, she spoke about it and set off a storm of controversy. The sponsor was furious that anything so preposterous should have been aired and as Rae hoped, her words began to resonate in all directions."

"An interview appeared in The New York Times, a blurb in Newsweek and even The Christian Science Monitor picked up on the story. Not only had Gloria van Dam's scouts seen the show but Gloria Van Dam who'd been in her local deli picking up some bagels for breakfast, saw it herself on the proprietor's set and laughed so hard she forgot to take her change.

"So Rae was on her way to becoming a media icon. Within thirty-six hours, thinking it would be a clever build-up to Rae's appearance, the producers of Conversations had arranged a show with three top scientists in the genetic field, including Dimitri Rostov, who met Rae's accusations head on, claiming she was trying to block scientific progress and extolling the many economic benefits these 'helpers' as they were now euphemistically called, would bring to a stagnant U.S. and World economy.

Must have been a very exciting time for you dogs, I remarked.

"Indeed it was," Julius D. Nibble breathed "Gloria van Dam came to the house to interview Rae over tea and we were allowed to be present. Gloria and Rae discovered they were alumni of the same girls' school and had friends in common. Rae told Gloria the story of her life, of the Greenfield Foundation and the slave research. Gloria urged Rae to come on her show and bring us along as an added attraction. The show was to be taped but since the story was breaking fast, the airing interval would be shortened to three days."

'And so on the next evening at seven-thirty,' continued Moon, 'we found ourselves being led on to the stage of a West Forty-Fifth Street theater by Rae. The lights blinded us. The applause was deafening. Rae walked to the wrong side of the stage... her mere presence sent the audience into gales of uncontrollable laughter.'

'I can see you need no introduction, Rae, so I won't even attempt one, Gloria began her good-naturedly, down home act. 'How are you tonight?'

'Like any old lady I guess... a little nervous. When you reach my age you're never sure how you're going to feel.'

'And who are these two delightful creatures,' asked Gloria, gesturing at us, 'are they yours?'

'...Found them in one of those animal shelters waiting to be put to sleep,' she replied, and then told the story of running into the young buck and how she brought it back to the shelter and found us.

"We nodded attentively, let our ears droop and the audience applauded."

'How sweet,' exclaimed Gloria. 'They look like they understand everything you say... look... I think they're even smiling."

"We curled our lips, the camera zoomed in on us and the audience broke up."

'Seriously, Rae,' Gloria began. 'I think a lot of people out there are wondering why a wealthy person like you would spend most of her life working for a living like anyone else. Most people with your background would have chosen a more glamorous existence.'

'Running scared,' Rae said and the audience broke up again, 'My mother tried her best to make me into a fashionable debutante but it was hopeless... wanted me to be Doris Duke or Barbara Hutton but it didn't work... you should have seen me in those expensive clothes, embarrassing... nearly scared myself to death... then they tried to marry me off to some of those foreign titles... that didn't work either. I was too homely.'

'Looks aren't everything,' Gloria observed.

'I know but they help a lot,' Rae laughed.

'But you still haven't told us why you decided to give it all up and live incognito.'

"Whenever Gloria used a big word, Rae rolled her eyes. "You mean, why did I hit the road?'

Squeals of laughter.

'Exactly,' replied Gloria, obviously pleased with Rae's performance. 'Why, when you were one of the wealthiest women in the world, did you hit the road?'

'Well,' sighed Rae, 'in the first place I never really knew how rich I was supposed to be. Oh... we lived in big houses with servants but I had only a small allowance and I never went anywhere because I wasn't invited and spent most of my time reading... until I was eighteen, I got only a dollar a week. When my father died and they told me about his money, I fainted..'

'Why?'

'I really don't know,' Rae shrugged, '...tried to live with it for awhile but couldn't handle it... looked around at the girls I'd grown up with... by then so many were unhappy I figured it had something to do with all the wrong choices you make when you have a lot of money... shall I do this, or that... shall I fly here or there... shall I stay married or why not get divorced? Looking around, I just thought perhaps there might be a chance for me if I got a real job somewhere... a chance for happiness. At first I looked for good jobs, you know, the respectable kind like yours but I wasn't very creative... guess I was shy because of my looks. Then I found out that the fancy schools I'd gone to hadn't prepared me to do a damn thing. As a result I learned a few basic skills, like welding. Mostly I worked at what you would call odd jobs: taxi driving, hospital worker, waitress - that sort of thing.'

"I could feel Rae's hand trembling on my collar as the audience applauded."

'Very interesting,' Gloria nodded. 'Do you think you've been happier? Don't you think you might be accused of having run away from your responsibilities... the responsibilities of great wealth?'

'I couldn't assume those responsibilities then because I'd never been trained for anything except bossing servants around and I didn't want that. So I got out there, worked and met people... wonderful people... and found happiness.' Rae waved timidly at the cameras and laughed. 'Never a dull moment...'

'You never used any of your father's money?'

'A little to begin with - getting set up with my truck and trailer... aside from that, I've worked and saved just like everyone else, didn't even have a credit card 'til a few years ago when I got a job hostessing at a restaurant outside Cheyenne.'

'And now you've come back to old Manhattan,' Gloria said softly, 'I guess almost everyone has heard why. Do you want to talk about it? Tell us how it all happened.'

'I was in California,' Rae began, 'picked up this hitchhiker... crazy looking fellow he was with matted hair and a beard... not a hippy, just mad looking and disheveled. After a few miles he began ranting about test tube monsters... the danger of uncontrolled replication, DNA splicing, protein based computers and biological artificial intelligence... how there was a conspiracy going on to create a whole new race of creatures to be used as slaves... I thought he was out of his mind, but I had to listen because I was trapped with him from Stinson Beach where I picked him up to San Francisco where I was relieved to get rid of him.'

'Sounds like Science Fiction,' declared Gloria.

'Yes, to me too,' replied Rae. 'But then toward the end of the ride, just as he was getting out of the car, he mentioned the Greenfield Foundation... kept saying he knew I thought he was crazy but that he'd been hired by them and quit when he found out what they were up to. No one would listen to him and he was living on what they call Crazy Pay out there in California. Before I could question him, he jumped out and was gone in the crowd of Sunday strollers. I stopped at the next phone booth and called a cousin of mine in Philadelphia who hadn't heard anything of the sort and the next day I called the Secretary of the Foundation in New York.'

'I guess he must have been surprised to hear from you,' said Gloria.

'You bet he was,' snapped Rae. 'Actually I was officially Chairman of the Board but years before I'd given a cousin of mine my power of attorney to act on my behalf.'

'And?'

'I told the Secretary my story and he said I shouldn't listen to what a few crazies were saying about the Foundation. I smelled a rat and asked him to check it out, which he never did... probably thought I'd forget. Well, that bothered me so I began pestering him... called him collect every time I got near a phone booth... really couldn't refuse my calls but after awhile he got fed up and referred me to a Dr. Allen.'

"At the mention of my name, I wagged my tail and barked."

'You know, Gloria, there's something very odd about this dog. Whenever I mention Dr. Allen's name he barks. Isn't that strange?'

'Dr. Irving Allen? Wasn't he the famous scientist who was gunned down in the Yale Club a few years back?'

'The same.'

'I remember because we were trying to get him on this show. He was an authority on life extension, wasn't he'

'That's correct and that's what he was supposed to be working on but he was cajoled into this other thing by... well... God knows who.'

'So the hitchhiker's story was true... what a coincidence.'

'My life has been one coincidence after another, Gloria... and yes, the crazy young man wasn't crazy at all. His story was true. I called Dr. Allen and he admitted working on these sub-human beings... said he'd done it on a bet... hadn't the least idea his theories would work but they did... said he'd combined different genes from different species... humans, rats, lizards, beavers... god knows what else, but they came out intelligent enough to take orders and work hard... but not enough to ask questions or think for themselves.'

'What was your reaction?'

'I told him he was sick, you bet I did... my great-great Grandfather stood up against slavery long before the Civil War. I told Dr Allen he should be ashamed of himself... that he had to stop what he was doing, which was immoral. We talked for hours arguing back and forth... he kept telling me more about this project and the more we talked the more guilty he began to sound. Finally, he admitted he might have done something that could get out of control... said he felt like Oppenheimer before he set off the first atomic explosion at Los Alamos and hoped he wouldn't go bats. Right after that phone call, I guess, he killed all his creatures and disappeared.'

'You mean he actually succeeded in making them?' Gloria - amazed.

'Oh yes, a hundred and fifty of them...shot them all, then destroyed his laboratory.'

Gasps from the audience.

'What was your reaction?'

'Why, of course, I breathed a sigh of relief for humanity, for civilization, for everything we hold dear... but not for long. His associates then informed me they intended to go ahead where he had left off and that's where it stands now.'

"At that point," sighed Nibble, "I felt pretty devastated and tried to hide my head under Rae's legs, especially after the audience, stunned by the story, suddenly burst into cheers, hurrays and good for you.'

'I guess anyone who reads a newspaper or watches television knows there's a big controversy going on,' Gloria said as the applause died. 'We had Dr. Rostov on last week... I think he was Dr. Allen's assistant. He claims scientific research of this sort should not be stopped, says it's inevitable, that if we don't go on with it some other country will.'

'That's hogwash,' Rae, spiritedly. 'Who's in control here? Anything humans do, humans can stop doing.'

'But how?'

'Collective will power, that's how, and guts... Americans have guts... Irving Allen had guts too... Right after he destroyed his laboratory he mailed me all his research notes. All the secret steps in his experiments.' Rae looked into the cameras. 'I've never told this to anyone before - it may get me in trouble, I suppose.

'Dr. Rostov mentioned those missing papers,' Gloria pretending to be surprised. 'What do you intend to do with them? I understand it could take years to duplicate what's in them... don't you think it's your duty to turn them over?'

Rae turned crimson. 'Turn them over to whom? I've kept them because I want to find out who's really behind this thing and expose them to the American people... then I think I'll burn the papers.'

'But Rae, Dr. Rostov tells us the Chinese are working along similar lines, that soon they'll have armies of recombinant creatures."

'The usual propaganda. Just because others may commit cultural and biological genocide against humanity, does not mean we Americans have to do it. Are we going after some hideous top monster prize? That certainly has never been the American way!'

Cheers from the audience.

Gloria Van Dam looked grim. 'Rae,' she asked. ' you aren't saying we should let our guard down, are you?'

Rae narrowed her eyes. 'Don't quote me Gloria, I didn't say it, you did. But I do know this... it takes two to tango - two sides to make a fight. My position is a conservative one. I want to conserve the human race. When slaves do all the work, owners become weak and dependent. Go back in history and check it out...Rome, the Ottoman Empire. Look at our own civilization with our machines, robots and electronic servers; how dependent on them we now are and think how much more dependent we'd be on these test tube drudges. Look here...just look at these photographs.'

Gasps from the audience as Rae held up Dr. Allen's photographs.

"For a moment Gloria's expression went blank, her perpetual smile imploded... it was obviously time to change the subject. To do so she stroked my chin and asked Rae what breed these good-looking dogs were. The cameras cut away from the scary photographs of my creatures and zoomed in on us. I pretended to wake up, stretched and yawned into the cameras. There were explosive guffaws from the audience."

'You can see what he thinks about all these weighty thoughts,' Rae laughed, 'I love these two, they won't let you get too serious. They're called Black and Tans, Gloria, Coon Hounds for short.'

"I held up my big right paw."

' You're a pretty cute guy,' Gloria grinned down at me, 'what's your name.'

"I found myself shouting, 'Irving Allen...my name is Irving Allen... I'm the one you're all talking about.' Which came out a muffled howl."

'My goodness I think he's going to talk,' exclaimed Gloria.'

'His name is Nibble,' Rae smiled, 'Julius D. Nibble.

'Julius D, wasn't that your grandfather's name?'

Audience snickers.

'And her name?' Gloria pointed at Crystal.

'Moon 'n Dew. Isn't she pretty?'

'Aren't you lucky to have two such wonderful companions?'Gloria cooed.

'Yes, they're very comical. Now I have them I wonder how I ever lived without them... never had dogs before... certainly takes your mind off your troubles... no wonder they're called man's best friend.'

'Tell me Rae,' Gloria asked, 'when this is all over are you going back to Cheyenne?'

'Don't think I can now, I guess ... had a decision to make and now I'm stuck with it. For thirty years I was a nobody, happy and free... now I'm a somebody I wonder if I'll be allowed to be happy?' She waved the photographs of the Slaves again, 'all because of this...'

'You came out of the closet...' Gloria smiled.

Rae chuckled, 'Yes, and I lost a love...'

' Why Rae, you don't mean it. You were having a relationship with someone?'

' Yes, after thirty years I made the mistake of falling in love... first time, head over heels.'

'Your very first love affair, how wonderful.'

'Yes, I thought so too. He was the foreman on a highway construction crew I was working with.'

The audience broke into applause.

'Rae, you were actually working on a construction crew?'

'Yes, but only as a flag person.'

' You see, all you gals out there,' Gloria flashed a toothy smile, it's never too late... that's what we all love about you Rae... who's the lucky guy?'

'You mean who was,' Rae replied, ' we broke up when I - what did you call it - came out of my closet, and he found out I wasn't the person I said I was... he left me.'

'How mean!' exclaimed Gloria. American people must say no to this sort of thing. Other governments must also say no. Is this progress I ask you? Just because a thing is possible doesn't mean it must be done, especially if it's going to be destructive.' Rae waved the slave photos again and the cameras zoomed in on them. 'I mean it...and I appeal to all of you, use the common sense God gave you... write to your congressmen, your Senators, the President himself! Let no one give these men the money they need to go ahead !' Thunderous applause filled the studio. The big lights dimmed and as the curtains closed in front of us Gloria came over, wrapped her arm around Rae's waist and patted Crystal and me."

'Darling, you were fantastic, absolutely great. I want you back on the show tomorrow night. I know there's going to be a terrific response.'

'You're going to air that whole thing?' Rae asked incredulously.

'Of course we have to see what it looks like but... '

'It might get you into trouble."

'Darling, trouble is my middle name. But you, poor dear, was that really true about your boyfriend?'

Rae blushed. 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.

'Tomorrow night we'll go into that a little further,' Gloria grinned conspiratorially. 'I've got a hunch if you tell him how much you love him, right here in prime time, his resistance will crumble and he'll come back to you.'

'You don't know how stubborn he is,' Rae said sadly, 'and he doesn't watch much TV.'

Hopkins came up with our leashes, his face flushed with anger.

'Gloria, this is an old friend of mine, Hopkins Harlech. Hoppy, this is Gloria van Dam.'Hopkins glared at Rae.

'Don't tell me, I know what you're going to say, you think I made a stupid mistake.'

'Damn it Hoppy, that was a decoy... I want some action... want them to know I'm serious."

'Would you like us to cut out that part," Gloria asked. "We can put in a commercial there.'

'Yes,' Hopkins sputtered.

'Not on your life,' said Rae.

'You'll see,' Hopkins warned, 'they'll come after you just like they went after Dr. Allen. You'll be robbed or even worse."

'I'll take that chance,' declared Rae, '...getting reckless in my old age I suppose.' She smiled down at us...'my two hounds will protect me... won't you? Aren't they beautiful and very intelligent they are too... yes, you are.'

"We bugled bravely. Hopkins patted us both and, as Gloria seemed to want a last word alone with Rae, he led us to the waiting car. Outside, the evening had turned cold and it was drizzling. Inside the car our breath steamed up the windows. Hopkins had just lowered them when Rae came out of the theater and was accosted by a man who had run up to her. Gesticulating wildly, he shook his fists and yelled at Rae. As we growled menacingly, the first air which rushed through the window carried the memory of that hated odor which had followed me from one body to another - the corrosive smell of our murderer who was out there somewhere. Grrrr, I growled, cautiously inching my nose outside. Crystal jumped up and stood beside me sniffing."

"Can't you smell it,?" I nipped her ear. Hopkins had opened the door and was about to rescue Rae when she pushed past the man and ran for the car. The man turned... the memorable stench grew stronger..."

'It's Straker,' Crystal gasped. 'Fred Straker!' And so it was.

"I snarled uncontrollably. The hair on my back stood on end and sixty-five pounds of dog muscle sprang mindlessly through the air."

"Catching my collar, Hopkins threw me back and slammed the door. Stunned for a moment, I lay on the floor whining and frothing at the mouth. It had been him, my own partner, an attorney and respected member of the legal and business professions. The car moved slowly forward in heavy traffic. Frantically, I now pressed my nose against the back window and clawed the glass."

'Are you out of your mind?' Crystal grokked.

"Going to kill him," I growled. "Kill. Kill. Kill."

"A few seconds later the car was pulling over to the curb and the chauffeur got out at a news stand to buy the evening papers. Now or never, I thought and over the front seat and through the door I bounded, disappearing at once in the throng of happy theater goers. Doubling back, I skittered between their feet, my nose to the pavement. Picking up the scent where I had last seen Straker, I began following it. Reaching Broadway at last, I saw him on the other side trying to hail a cab. He stared across at me. I lifted my head and howled."

"The light changed and I bounded forward to where he was getting into a taxi. I leapt at him but the door slammed in my face and I was left with a mouthful of tweed. The cab moved slowly through the traffic and I raced after it. At Forty-Eighth street it turned east but I kept pace as it crawled across town.

Reaching Park Avenue it turned south and picked up speed. I could see Straker's pasty face peering through the rear window. I ran as I had never run before but the space between us widened and when the cab disappeared up the Grand Central ramp, I gave up and stood panting with exhaustion. On the verge of collapse, I limped into East Forty-Fifth street, sat down in a doorway, licked the pads of my feet and sat sniffing the air, imagining the commotion my disappearance had probably caused and thinking I should probably start walking up to Rae's house on East Sixty-Fifth street.

But the scent of Straker was still strong and I decided instead to check out the Union League Club where Straker usually spent the night when he was in town. That meant walking down to Thirty-Ninth Street. Why not make a night of it then. Visit a few of the flesh pots I used to hang out at. I was properly licensed and tagged with Rae's phone number and REWARD stamped on the metal disc so I wasn't particularly worried about being picked up and taken to some animal shelter. All my adventurous nights roaming Manhattan as a human rushed back into my consciousness."

"I got up stiffly, shook myself and lopped down Vanderbilt Avenue to the entrance of the Yale Club. There, a doorman called Tony whom I'd known quite well, reached down and patted me. If you only knew, I whined balefully and licked his hand. For a while I sat down beside him, feeling safe, watching people coming and going from the Club, and noted how self-important,from my new point of view, these humans now seemed. Was I really that way once?

Tony had somebody bring me one of the club's famous ground sirloin sandwiches which I wolfed down and after I had finished, he reached down, looked at my tag and summoned one of the waiters."

"Upon hearing this and realizing I was about to be sent home, as soon as Tony was busy opening the door of an arriving limousine, I split. Racing down Vanderbilt Avenue I cut across Forty-Second Street to Park Avenue South and headed toward the Union League Club. A full block before I reached the door of that establishment, I picked up Straker's scent again. I sniffed the sidewalk - no doubt about it, he'd gotten out of the cab there and was inside the building. An indignant doorman, who obviously hated dogs, went into the vestibule, picked up the house phone and began complaining about me. I lifted my leg, pissed on his leg and was off down Park Avenue again heading for a famous artists' bar in Greenwich Village where dogs were permitted and an old girlfriend of mine, Ruthie, usually hung out. Arriving at my destination, I slipped in the door with a group of customers and headed for the back where I used to sit. Suddenly it occurred to me that after four years my old friend Ruthie probably wasn't even there, but in fact, when I finally squeezed through the rough and ready crowd, there she was, looking just as beautiful as the day we broke up, sipping the same red wine, and talking with a husky young blond guy in a leather pilot's jacket."

"New York never changes, I thought as I slipped my nose up under her dress and took a long whiff. The blond's hand was up there too. Feeling my damp nose he peered under the table and grabbed my neck. 'What's happening,' laughed Ruthie, peering under the table and giggling. I jumped up beside her, kissed her ear and leaned against her affectionately. She put her arm around me and laughed merrily as though I was just one more of her many admirers and continued her conversation."

"Ruthie I'd known since my post-graduate days at Harvard. If she hadn't been so talented, by now we would have been a happily married couple. We met at an all night hamburger joint in downtown Boston I was breaking up with Sandra, an older divorced woman I'd been living with. The place was almost empty, our eyes met and she returned to my apartment in Cambridge where we talked all night. She was an artist studying drawing and painting at the Boston School of Fine Arts. A few days later she invited me to her studio where, after some preliminary conversation, she said she would like to draw me, and asked me to take my clothes off. Naturally, I became very excited and Ruthie had barely finished her second drawing before we went to bed and spent the greater part of a week satisfying our insatiable young appetites. Soon, running back and forth between her place and mine, my studies suffered. But it was during this period of wildly erotic scenes with Ruthie that many of the original theories for which I later became famous, flashed through my brain."

"Then one of her paintings - a huge canvas representing an enlargement of my body in which pubic hair appeared as a forest of trees and the gland of my penis a huge red planet of the horizon -- caught the attention of a famous museum curator and a showing of Ruthie's work was arranged in a prestigious New York gallery. The exhibition of these 'Skin Maps' as they were called, received rave reviews and suddenly Ruthie was catapulted into fame and fortune. Deciding she must move to New York, she bought a studio on West Broadway and like a lovesick dog, I followed her."

"But in New York, her life soon became so busy I rarely saw her. She talked constantly on the phone even while she was painting. - talking, talking, watching TV and listening to music. Often to get her attention I had to leave the studio and call her from the local pay phone. It seemed everyone wanted one of her Skin Maps. The fact that they might also sample the delights of her voluptuous body proved an added attraction. Finally though, her life style proved too much for me. I was busy piecing together a new general theory of gene structure and needed solitude. Also the disease factor in Ruthie's accelerated love life dampened my ardor."

"Now here she was, years later, the reigning queen of the art scene looking as sly and beautiful as ever. Stretching out my paw I placed it gently on her shoulder, gazed into her eyes and thought about how broken up I'd been when we drifted apart. 'That dog finds you interesting,' said her blond companion, speaking with a strong German accent.

Ruthie stroked my long ears and I trembled beneath her velvet touch. 'like he's got the hots for you,' her friend laughed, 'Look at him, look at the size of his prick.'

'Raymond!' Ruthie purred,slapping his hand.

"I have to admit that when Ruthie patted me all my inhibitions vanished."

'You ever make it with a dog?' Raymond asked with some interest.

'Of course not, are you crazy?' Ruthie replied.

"I could feel the tip of my penis slipping from its hairy sheath. Ruthie's cheeks colored."

'What do you mean by of course not? Raymond drawled. 'How do you know what something is like until you try it? It's supposed to be fantastic. I knew a girl in Hamburg once who not only made it with dogs but horses as well. I got photos to prove it.'

'I don't believe it.'

'I tell you I got the pictures - took them myself.'

Ruthie's eyes narrowed, an expression I knew meant she was about to have an inspiration. 'What a skin map that would make,' she whispered.

Raymond's pale blue eyes glittered in his leather tan face. 'It's the next logical step in your work,' he whispered commandingly 'you could do an entire show around something like that. Let's take this mutt to your studio and see what happens. I'll take the pictures."

Standing up, I wagged my tail eagerly.

Raymond laughed. 'See, he understands,... he's ready... knows what we're talking about."

"Don't be crazy," Ruthie said. "You think I'd really go through with some thing like that ?"

"What difference would it make to someone like you?' Raymond sneered.

"Slapping Raymond's face, Ruthie gathered up her coat and purse and stalked out of the bar. Raymond followed and they had a fight outside in which Ruthie kicked Raymond with her high-heeled boot and I bit his ankle. Observing this scene, from a nearby taxi the driver pulled up and opened the door. I jumped in expecting Ruthie to follow, but she jumped into another cab and I was shoved out on to the street where I stood whining with frustration. Ah Ruthie - what I would have given to spend a night curled up beside her in our old water bed. But what could I have given her? Nothing. I was a dog now and had nothing to give anyone except warmth and companionship which was a lot, but not enough for Ruthie.

Feeling sorrier for myself than ever, philosophizing once more about the barriers which now separated me from the human world, I started back across Washington Square."

"The drizzle of early evening had turned into hard acid rain, which stung my skin and caused my droopy hound eyes to water rather more than usual. My head hung low, my tail tucked between my legs, I loped across the Square intending to jog up to Sixty-Fifth Street. As I turned into Fifth Avenue, however, a large cat darted across my path. Instinct took over and I went for it. The cat scratched its way up the nearest tree and glared down at me with owlish eyes."

'And who might you be?' a sibilant voice hissed. 'I know most of the dogs in this neighborhood and you're certainly not one of them... are you lost or are you new around here?'

"We'd been raised by old Scoggins to hate cats and so it never occurred to me they might be able to talk. I stopped peeing at the tree and looked around to see who'd spoken."

'It's me," said the cat. 'I guess you didn't know cats can communicate.'

"I replied that indeed I did not. Come down, I said... don't worry, I won't bother you, I'm in a hurry to get home."

"Skittering down the tree, the cat, a beautiful Russian Blue with blazing yellow eyes, shook herself. 'Home?... and where might that be?' "

"East Sixty-Fifth Street, I've been having a night on the town... do you live around here?"

'In a manner of speaking.... I don't belong to anyone but I do live around here - underground.'

"Underground?"

' Would you like to see it?' she purred suggestively and arched her back. 'Very interesting place... lots of action... most New York dogs know about it but I can see you're new in town... you don't smell like our city dogs.'

"I replied that as a human I'd known the city well."

'But not the underground,' I'm sure she purred.

"Just what are you getting at?"

'Follow me and you'll see... think you'll find it quite interesting.'

"So she set off, her tail standing straight up, toward an open man hole andI padded along hesitantly, my nose to the ground. There was something about her I didn't quite trust...yet being a hound, I was naturally fascinated with anything underground."

'I think you'll fit right in down there,' she mewed seductively.'

"Looks awfully cramped to me, I said as we stood peering into the darkness below."

'We'll have to make a few detours but I don't think there's a place you won't be able to squeeze through,' she replied, 'and I'm sure you'll find it worth your while."

"I wouldn't want to step on a hot wire. I said, still hesitating."

'Don't worry, big boy,' she blinked, 'just follow me.'

"As we picked our way through a maze of cables, wires, pipes and other conduits, however, lower and lower into the storm drains and, below them, across vast rivers of sewage filled with snakes, lizards of enormous size and alligators that snapped at our heels, the stench, as you may well imagine , became unbearable. After what seemed like weeks or months but couldn't have been more than a half hour or so, my pussy guide stopped and whistled softly. Somewhere in the inky blackness ahead her signal was returned and I commented that I hadn't realized cats could whistle, certainly hounds couldn't."

'There are many things you don't know about, big boy,' she said seductively. 'Come, we must hurry.'

"Something about the tone of her voice should have made me wary. I should have been remembering the course we had taken, at the very least, I should have been scattering bread crumbs along the route so I could find my way back. But carried along by the demon curiosity, I had thrown precaution to the wind and, with sudden dismay, realized there was nothing to do now but go on."

"A few yards further we were suddenly joined by four other large well muscled Calico Toms, who took up positions on either side of me, an ominous turn of events and I should have bolted then and there but of course I didn't. Soon I was being jostled and hustled along by them until we came to what looked like a dead end. Stopping short, my attractive Russian Blue guide let out a blood curdling caterwaul and what had appeared to be sold rock or concrete slowly swung open.

'Come on,' she purred intriguingly, ' Welcome to the Underground. You'll find your nose will be more comfortable inside, come along."

"Padding through the opening, guarded by two more big Calicoes, we walked down a long low passage and emerged inside what looked like a concrete bunker glowing with a strange iridescent light where sat a very large black, green-eyed Tom."

'Good work, Zelda,' he mewed, congratulating my guide. 'You'll get some perks for this one, just wait and see.' Then looking me over he declared, 'Terrific specimen, young, tender, I've got orders he should be presented at once to the Queen.'

"Young and tender! Yikes, what am I getting myself into," I yelped, "And who is this Queen?"

'Young and tender - that's you, my friend,' said Green Eyes. 'You'll make a delicious stew, you will. We got orders to send you into her first though. She enjoys meeting her meals and talking with them before she eats them, likes - to get to know them first. She may even invite you to a few games of chess before... '

"You tricked me," I snarled at Zelda, furious that she should have led me into this trap. Then, instantly I was surrounded, and brought to the floor by a net of bared claws and there were eight pairs of cats' eyes staring down at me. What's happening?" I gulped.

'We're dead serious,' Green Eyes murmured. 'Get up and follow us.'

"Before me, another door opened and I was soon limping down a long tunnel with walls that glowed lavender and acetylene blue and were intersected by numerous other passageways. You've got a whole city down here, I stammered, a whole underground city."

'It belonged to the rats once,' said one of the Green Eyes matter-of-factly. 'They spent over two hundred years digging it out. When they finally finished there was a big battle and we took it away from them. It was called Rat Haven but now it's called The Underground.'

"Moving briskly along the passage, we were soon met by even larger Calicoes who, relieving my first bodyguard, formed a phalanx around me and jostled me on into an anteroom where Green Eyes conferred with a large black Persian, obviously a court official"

'We'll have to wait here,' mewed one of the Calicoes returning a moment later. 'She's very busy just now... there's not a thing that happens she doesn't keep track of. She's very wise.'

"Tell me," I said, sitting down to scratch. "What do you do down here? You certainly don't spend all your time seducing innocent dogs and eating them?"

'Hell no, I don't even eat dog. You mean to say you don't know we're still at war?'

"With whom?"

'You're stupider than I thought... with the Rats, of course, and have been for as long as anybody can remember. Rats are dirty and you can't trust 'em.'

"Are you winning this war? I asked."

'That's top secret information.' the Calico replied, 'We're always told we're losing...I suppose to make us fight harder."

"The Black Persian reappeared and hissed, that The Queen was ready to receive me and I was led through a smaller passage into a spacious chamber where, on a raised dais covered with mouse fur, sprawled an enormous white female cat with eyes like pigeons' blood rubies. Numerous smaller white cats attended her, brushing her silky fur and offering her delicate sweetmeats. One look was enough to convince me that, unless my luck held, I was going to wind up in her stomach."

'Perhaps you will,' purred the cat Queen, obviously reading my mind, 'but if you can help me I might spare you... for awhile.'

"Me, help you, I replied in astonishment."

'Yes, Dr. Allen.'

"Dr Allen! How could you possibly know that? I gasped."

'And how could I be Queen of the cats and not know everything,' she purred, 'after all, the Felines are a very curious species. For example, I know that in your last life you were a famous Biologist.'

"You must be psychic."

'It's more than that. Like your Mantodae friend, Ramu, we have a Feline network. We know all about you and those creations of yours and what you did to them. We live in an age of duplication, proliferation so be careful. Skinning young dogs like you and eating them alive is one of my favorite pastimes.'

"So what can I do for you? I managed to stammer."

'I can see just by looking at your young dog's body that you'd be very tasty," she replied fluttering her long eyelashes hypnotically. 'But if you solve my problem - Oh, won't you have some sweetmeats,' she interrupted herself, 'you must be hungry. don't worry, they're not dog burgers, just minced young mouse and mayonnaise."

"Your PROBLEM? I reminded her timidly."

'Yes, of course, my problem is this: the final solution to the Rat Problem is at hand. Together with others of our species, we have developed a virus deadly to rats which we call, 'Rodent-rend,' We've tested it on rats and mice and it's fatal while we cats are immune to it.'

"Interesting..."

'Yes, but we haven't tested it on dogs or humans.'

"And you want me to run a test for you, is that it? You must have a well equipped laboratory down here..."

'We do.'

"How would I test for it?" I asked, knowing well what the answer would be, but before she could answer, we were interrupted by a commotion in the ante-room as four large Rats, bound and gagged were dragged before the Queen. Who are they? I asked."

' Ah Ha,' she exclaimed, her ruby eyes glittering, 'These are very highly placed Rats. They won't admit it but we know they are officers in the Rat Defense Department -RDD. I thought you might be amused to see how we deal with our enemies. Truss them up and commence the rendering...' she mewed loudly.

"The Calico Guards secured the Rats to racks on the wall and a young black Persian with ice blue eyes stepped forward and began questioning one of them whose beady eyes darted about the room. Are you sure they can talk? I asked the Queen."

'Talk? But of course they can, when they're alone they chatter incessantly with each other. Begin the rendering,' she hissed, signaling the Persian.

"The Persian's eyes glinted. Making an incision in the Rat's skin with his claw, exactly above the Rat's heart, he began peeling it away, flaying the rat alive. The Rat screamed with pain and writhed from side to side. I think I'm going to be sick, I said by mistake"

'Sick?' The Queen yowled menacingly. 'This is nothing. Don't you know Felines are master torturers? Of all Mammals, only we Felines enjoy playing with our victims before we eat them. It is in our nature to do so and into our cats bodies migrate the more sadistic human souls...SICK? You'll have to develop a stronger stomach if you're going to survive down here.'

"May I ask you a question?"

'If it's not too long,' the Queen spat.

"I stretched my front paws forward in a deep bow. As a human, who were you before you entered this beautiful Feline body.? Obviously pleased I had asked this question, the Queen rose and arching her back, fluffed herself out and lay down again her paws crossed."

'Can't you guess?' she mewed extending her claws full length.

"Haven't a clue, I replied, thinking just then that she was certainly one of the most beautiful creatures I'd ever seen."

'Tz'u Hsi, I was Tz'u Hsi,' she purred softly as if she did not want others to hear her.

"Susy who?" I whispered.

'Not Susy, you dumb hound,' she exploded, 'Tz'u Hsi, Dowager Empress of China. I was born a courtesan in 1835 and left my human body as a Queen in 1908.'

"Yikes! I..."

'Yes, my dear doctor, it is so. My favorite means of dispatching my enemies was the death by one thousand cuts. We called it slicing. That's what is happening right now to that rat. Don't you think it's interesting that I was born again as a cat so I could continue this tradition of torture?'

"Providential," I agreed.

'Rumor has it that great torturers like Caligula, Tamerlane, Dracula, and Blue Beard were born again as cats but I don't think they're still alive... no one is quite sure. My spies tell me that Stalin is in the body of a Bengal tiger in some zoo and, of course, right here in The Underground, I have my darling Hitler.'

"What?"

'Adolph Hitler of course, certainly you've heard of him. He has an apartment down the way. It was he, in fact, who sensed your arrival.'

"I thought you were the psychic."

'Of course I am. Hitler didn't know your name, all he knew was that you were an important scientist.'

"Hitler as a cat and here, of all places. I mused. Wait til I tell Crystal about this. But then it occurred to me that I might never see Crystal again. I sighed and tried to keep the conversation going. You say you enjoy torturing people?"

'Tremendously,' purred the Queen. 'It arouses me sexually. For us cats there's nothing more exciting than sex mixed up with pain.'

"Tell me," I said, "You seem to be an authority: if cats were masters of torture and mass murderers like yourself, what about us dogs? What is the meaning of this dog's body?"

'Very simple.... those whose lives end violently in suicide, car crashes, murder... all are reborn as dogs. A violent ending sends the soul into the dog realm.'

"And, why, oh Queen, can I remember my human life but nothing before that ?"

'It's difficult to remember more than one life back. Only the Rishis of India had those powers... and then again, one doesn't remember what one wishes to forget. does one? Who knows, when one gets a human body perhaps one forgets all the other lives. All I know is there are more souls than bodies, especially human ones. You're lucky to have any body at all.'

"I've heard these explanations before but think there may be bodies more advanced than ours."

"At this, a blank and vaguely impatient expression passed over the Queen's face - apparently a dangerous sign as her attendants and courtiers cowered.

'Goddammit, slice up another one of those rats,' she hissed and turned back to me. 'Finally, it's one's desires that determine everything isn't it? My desire is to torture... I can't help myself, so here I am in a cat's body.'

"You mentioned Hitler, I said after a pause, during which we watched the black Persian begin his grizzly work."

'Ah yes, would you like to meet him? Perhaps he'll have time to show you our lab. He's very interested in botany and biology... that sort of thing.'

"An attendant was dispatched and returned a few minutes later with a Siamese who slinked in looking warily from side to side. 'Heil Hitler,' the Calicoes mewed in a chorus and the Persian stopped his slicing long enough to salute. Circling me several times, Hitler seated himself beside the outstretched Tz'u Tsi"

'Hitler has been in his cat's body for over forty years,' she mewed.

"Indeed," said I.

'Yes,' nodded the Queen. 'I've been giving him the same things I take."

"I told her I'd once developed an immortality shot for humans and asked what she was using."

'Rare Chinese herbs, of course. We have a network of cats that reaches around the world and brings me anything I want.'

'It's more than dogs have,' observed Hitler, ' shows we cats are the superior animals.'

"But, Fuhrer, I declared, addressing him with a languorous salute of my right paw. As a human, weren't you a great dog lover? Don't I recall seeing a number of pictures of you with your Schnauzers, or was it Dobermans?"

'All publicity,' Hitler groaned, 'to fool those stupid Germans... as you know, I am Viennese and the Viennese prefer cats. I kept them secretly in my bedroom, only a few of my closest associates knew...and Eva, of course.'

"At the mention of Hitler's girlfriend, Eva Braun, I immediately thought of Crystal and myself. Tell me, Fuhrer, have you bumped into Eva since you were reborn in this feline form? I'm trying to develop a theory about all this business."

'I bumped into her, as you say, very briefly... we were born into the same litter but became separated.'

"Astounding! I barked. That's what happened to my girlfriend and me."

'You don't say? How interesting,' declared Hitler.

'A mere coincidence, gentlemen,' shrugged the Queen, apparently annoyed that Hitler and I might be getting too chummy. 'Tell me, my dear Hitler, don't you think he's a tender looking piece?'

"Hitler rolled his eyes with embarrassment."

'Sometimes you're too much, Tz'u Tsi. Here we have an intelligent young dog, the first interesting conversation we've had in months and you talk of eating him.'

"Who did he think he was kidding,... I could feel the real Hitler inside that muscular Siamese, just waiting to see me skinned... RAMU, WHERE ARE YOU?... I shouted to myself. But even as I called out to him, I knew it was useless. How could Ramu reach me, hundreds of feet below New York City?"

'Of course, you must realize, good fellow,' smirked Hitler, 'Compared to her atrocities, mine are like drops in the ocean... its only because they happened to Orientals, that no one in the Occident thinks about them.'

The Queen sniggered. 'Does that make me more attractive to you, or less? Be careful how you answer.'

'More... ah far more,' Hitler fawned. 'Why everyone knows you are the youngest looking, sexiest and most gorgeous cat in the world.'

"The Queen purred loudly and we sat and watched in silence as the Persian finished flaying the third Rat and was about to begin on the fourth."

'No, no, you fool,' the Queen cried, her whiskers twitching. 'This one will talk now. Take him to the interrogation room, work him over. Tell him,' she added pointedly, 'that if he cooperates we'll allow him to live out his life under house arrest... and poison him later.' she hissed softly as the cowering Rat was led away. 'He might escape with our secrets... it's happened before.'

"She turned to Hitler and suggested he invite me for dinner at his place. 'Dr. Allen looks tired and hungry and,' she grinned malignantly, 'I would love to entertain him, but I don't think he'd care for what I'm going to eat tonight.'

"Just down the passage from the Queen's chamber, Hitler's apartment was furnished lavishly with mouse skin throws piled one on another, dotted with artfully placed silk cushions and low tables. Elaborate lanterns hung from the ceiling and strains of Wagner's Liebestod music filled the room."

'How about a hookah?" purred Hitler. 'One of my agents just brought me some superb opium and hashish.'

"I nodded assent and as Hitler prepared the smoke, two Siamese concubines of indeterminate sex sauntered in bearing trays of sweetmeats."

'I was once a student of the occult," he reminisced as he puffed on the hookah and followed with shifty eyes the movements of his two pet cockatoos. 'Pity I wasn't completely able to perfect my occult powers. If I had, things would have been much different. Those damn Germans, that Himmler and Heydrick. that fool Ribbentrop, that creep Goebbels... wouldn't leave me in peace. Since becoming a cat, now I have more time to concentrate... I'm quite an adept.'

"At what? I asked."

'Oh, this and that... this Rodentrend powder for example, it was through my psychic powers I was able to guide our scientists on the proper course... but pardon, you must be starving.'

"Ringing a little bell, he summoned a servant who presently brought in two large platters. My nose twitched, Is that what I think it is?I yelped."

'Yes, Polish sausage.' Hitler purred, 'As a human, I was a vegetarian but I always craved these sausages. Now I have a network of runners who steal them... go ahead help yourself.'

"After a long night crawling through tunnels and sewers following Zelda and after the frightening audience with Tz'u Tsi, I was ravenously hungry and devoured not one but three helpings.

'You wouldn't have liked the Queen's food,' Hitler hissed mawkishly, pursing his lips. 'She goes in for weird things like fried insects, live monkey brains, bird's tongues and so on... why she might have served you fricassee of dog. I think it's her diet that makes her so cruel. I was cruel too but had my principles. Now she is cruel because it's her way of having a good time - to hell with anyone else.'

"I was surprised to hear Hitler denouncing the Queen in this manner. You've met your match then, Fuhrer? I whined."

'Indeed I have,' he declared, a lachrymose expression spreading over his tired face. 'At any time, she could have had me tortured or put to death. Those big Calicoes, the Persians... all officers in the cat army... her lovers too and fanatically loyal.'

"All of them? Surely you're her favorite?"

Hitler giggled. 'At first, after a few years she got bored with me and we've drifted apart... but because I have very good connections and my own feline militias, she let me in on some of her secrets.'

"Connections?"

'Yes, as a Cat I was born and raised in Istanbul,' Hitler began. 'Before I arrived here, I'd developed a network of domesticated cats, part of the greater world Feline network who can deliver messages anywhere in the world. It takes me less than five days to get a message to Beijing, for example, We have agents who stow away in ships, even airlines, others who live at airports and embassies. If you are a Cat and you want to travel or send a message, I'm the one to see. That's why Tz'u Hsi let me in on her immortality secret: through my organization, her claws now stretch around the world.'

"Daintily patting his whiskers with hot napkins brought on trays by nubile young teenage kittens, Hitler now suggested we visit the Cat Lab, short for Laboratory, of course and after that I'd been promised a room and a bed where I could catch up on my sleep."

"A short walk through more eerily glowing corridors brought us to a door guarded by two big Calicoes who immediately showed us inside. It certainly was the craziest setup I'd ever seen. Imagine old beakers and glass tubing, cans, plastic pipes, oil drums, bits of scrap metal, bent copper pipes and broken flower pots all assembled in a Cargo Cult version of a human scientist's lab. But as I stood there panting slightly, I could see the whole thing was perking away. Dozens of small grey worker cats were busy slinking around the apparatus, sniffing, adding ingredients and adjusting this and that. The whole contraption seemed to run on some gravity principle and after having passed through this complicated process, whatever was inside, oozed out from the holes of an old flute tied to the end of a discarded douche bag. Here two workers were stationed methodically pouring what ever it was into old ketchup and mayonnaise bottles, which they sealed with tar."

'Funny looking I know, but it works,' mewed one of the grey cats who was a little larger than the others,'Not much like my Lab at Plum Island, New York where I was a technician working on the military possibilities of E.Coli, but in the end things worked out quite well I guess.'

"Looking about me, three possibilities became clear: either this scientist now trapped in a cat's body had succeeded in putting together something that was really working, or he was mad, or I was hallucinating. Is this the toxin? I asked, referring to the lime green fluid in the bottles."

'Yes,' the former military scientist replied proudly.

"Your workers don't seem to be worried about handling it, I observed."

'Not at all, cats are immune to it, but you had better watch out," Hitler cautioned. " As Tz'u Tsi told you, it has not been tested yet on Dogs or Humans. That's why you've been spared: as you were a famous scientist she figured you might be able to think of an experiment that would settle these questions once and for all. I don't know why she wants to know this, she doesn't give a damn about either Dogs or Humans.'

"I had to think fast - stall for time. It was obvious I was the one they wanted to inject with this stuff. Which would be the only real way of knowing whether it was fatal to dogs. Was I the only dog they'd ever captured? As Hitler and the big grey cat stood looking at me, I padded around the Lab sniffing here and there, pretending to examine the equipment. I could see by the crazy smirk on his face that Hitler was getting off on my predicament, after all I was an American dog and we were in New York, literally inside the city's bowels. I felt like killing him then and there, but I knew I would have a whole roomful of Cats on my back and the deadly toxin would be splattered in every direction. Very clever setup you have here, you should be proud of yourself," I whined softly.

'I am,' replied the big grey Cat.

"I don't suppose you have a microscope I could look at that toxin with, do you?"

'But of course...just step over here and I'll have a smear made.'

"We moved to another part of the Lab where I stared in disbelief at the contraption which he showed me - a conglomeration of wire and lenses from discarded glasses, old telescopes and so on. An assistant inserted the smear. Imagine my astonishment as I peered through the thing and watched a wriggling, writhing mass of growing and dividing cells. It looked wicked and I beckoned to Hitler who came over. Have a look Fuhrer, I whined, you won't believe it! Hitler bent over the eye piece, then stood back and vomited.

'Bring me some Rats quick,' the big grey cat ordered, his golden eyes glittering with excitement. A few moments later a cage containing two healthy-looking Rats was placed before us. 'Pour some of the toxin in the Rat's cage,' he ordered.

"Hitler and I watched expectantly as the Rats gobbled it up."

'We flavored it with essence of garbage from all the hamburger joints in town,' Hitler hissed. 'now watch.'

"In a few minutes the rats broke out in a rash. Five minutes later pustular sores were oozing under their skin. Bring in another cage, the big grey Cat ordered and a second batch of Rats was brought in and put into the first cage. 'Observe gentlemen, and watch carefully,' he purred. The first two Rats were now screaming with pain, but the two new healthy Rats took no notice of this and attracted by the hamburger flavor began to eat their dying brothers. 'Dying like Rats, eh?' giggled Hitler.

"I felt like throwing up too! Hitler's giggle had become a boisterous laugh and soon all the Cats in the lab were laughing and caterwauling.

'Wouldn't it be interesting if it worked on Dogs too,' Hitler screamed, 'or Humans? It's the flavoring that does the trick, my friend, and that was my contribution. Of course we'll have to find a second dog before we can perform that experiment won't we?'

"He stared at me meaningfully. Losing my head, I lunged toward him, caught his leg in my jaws and began to shake it. Within moments, however, the Calicoes outside had surrounded me."

'Don't hurt him, don't kill him,' puffed Hitler. 'We want to keep him alive til we get another dog., then we'll have some real fun. Now take him away.'

"Heil Hitler, saluted the Calicoes and marched me out of the lab and down another corridor where I was shoved into a cell. Except for a small peep hole carved in the thick stone door, there was no other opening and no sanitation facilities but then, I reasoned, prisoners probably didn't spend much time in these cells. Recovering my senses, I sniffed the perimeter of the room. There was truly no escape. As Crystal would have said, I'd have to be a Houdini to get out of there.

"Curiosity, I growled and sat down on the cool stone floor to think. Curiosity killed the cat. Fuck curiosity, now it was going to kill a dog as well, me, because as a human I had been way too curious If Irving Allen hadn't been so curious about finding out whether he could splice genes, none of this would have happened. Fred Straker had been the snake in the garden. Thinking of Straker, I paced that small cell, trying to reason with myself that it didn't matter... In one body and out another... but what of Crystal and Rae and Hopkins? Straker would surely go after them now. He wanted my research papers and he'd kill to get them..I stood on my hind legs and scratched the door. Finally exhaustion overtook me and I slept."

"How long I lay there I shall never know It could have been a few minutes, an hour or a day later when I was brought back to semi-consciousness by a tickling feeling on the end of my nose. Automatically I snapped my jaw, then sneezed as my eyes began to focus on a a small iridescent insect flitting to and fro just out of reach. For some time I watched it, trying to remember where I was and when suddenly it landed again on my nose, I gasped, sat up and came wide awake."

"Ramu," I gasped, "is that you?"

'Shhh,' came the familiar response in my head. 'You must be quiet. These cats have incredible ears.'

"But how, how did you do it?"

'Just one of my many tricks,' replied Ramu allowing himself to grow to about half his normal size. 'I have the power to shrink and grow larger at will. I heard your call down in North Carolina and knew you were in danger so I came. I had to shrink myself to get through that key hole. What a pretentious puss this cat Queen is...'

"I explained that she thought she was the bloodthirsty Tz'u Hsi and described the bloody experiments she and Hitler were carrying out."

'Probably all hokum but very dangerous. They will surely eat you or infect you with their Rodent-rend unless we get out of here.'

"But how?" I whined.

'Simple - we wait for the guards to come and when they open the door, I'll kill them.

"We'll have a mob of cats after us."

'They don't bother me, my skin is thick but you'd best get into one of my pockets where they can't get at you.'

"We have to destroy that laboratory. Whether that stuff works on dogs or humans, we can't take any chances."

'That won't be hard. Now call for the guard.'

"Standing on my hind legs, I hungrily yelped through the peep hole. Soon one of the Calicoes was standing outside and I told him that after I'd eaten I'd be ready for some work in the lab. See what I can do, he spat and a few minutes later I heard several Calicoes outside fumbling with keys."

'Lure them inside,' whispered Ramu.

"The door opened. All I had to do was growl and the Calicoes were on top of me. In a flash Ramu enlarged himself, strangled them one by one and we stood listening at the open door."

"All's clear, I whispered, let's go."

'I'll shrink myself again and flit along beside you - it'll be safer,' said Ramu.

"This way I sniffed and began retracing my steps back through the maze of passages until we reached the lab where I knocked and the door was opened by the head technician himself."

'What a pleasant surprise,' he purred, 'Did you sleep well? Won't you come in?'

"As soon as the door closed behind us, Ramu expanded, slammed the technician against the wall, grabbed the keys and locked the door. A horde of workers cats now descended on us, clawing and scratching, but Ramu quickly chopped them to bits between his razor sharp femur and tibia. Then we carefully set about destroying the lab. Look out for the green stuff, I barked, it may be very dangerous. Somewhere an alarm was sounding."

'Quick, we'd better get out of here,' cried Ramu and moments later we were out in the passage again, the lab door locked behind us.

"Now for the Queen," I yelped. "If we get rid of her the other cats will be too scared to do anything. Come on."

"Ramu shrank again. Arriving at the anteroom, we found several Calicoes loitering there, apparently unaware that anything was wrong. Ramu enlarged himself and I jumped out of his pocket. I have to report to the Queen. I panted."

'Where are your escorts,' hissed their leader suspiciously.

"Escorts? You don't think I'm fool enough to think I could escape, do you? Please let the Queen know I'm here, I have an important report to make to her on Rodent-rend."

'Where did that bug come from?' a second Calico said, looking cross-eyed at Ramu, who had reduced himself and now hovered in the air.

"A message was passed into the Queen's chamber and I was soon admitted. The Queen was sprawled on her Dalmatian dog fur dais. A frightened looking Dachshund was trussed up on a rack guarded by one of the black Persians who was about to begin his gruesome slicing."

'Come in,' purred the Queen, 'and meet Dinky... at least that;s what he says his name is. Dinky, this is Dr. Irving Allen... Well, doctor what have you got to say for yourself?'

"What are you going to do to that poor Dinky?"

'We're trying to decide whether to have him sliced and eat him, or use him with you in an experiment with Rodent-rend.'

"Ramu fluttered toward the Queen. Her eyes followed him."

'What is that?' she mewed irritably.

"Looks like some kind of bug," I said innocently.

'Bugs are delicious and those wings would look nice on a hat,' the Queen meowed 'Catch it.'

"Several attendants began pirouetting about the room after Ramu who kept just out of reach.

'Tell me.' The Queen focused on me again. 'What do you think of our Rodent-rend?'

"Interesting, I replied, and this morning - or whatever time of day it is - I went back again, made a few more observations and... My attention was suddenly diverted to Ramu who had narrowly escaped being caught by one of the black Persians. Was he having some problem enlarging himself?"

'And.....what observations, your conclusions?' hissed the Queen impatiently.

"Frankly, I don't think much of it... may kill a few rats but I think they'd quickly adapt and become immune to it..."

"Suddenly Hitler burst through the door. 'Grab him,' he yelled, meaning me, 'he's wrecked the lab and killed a number of your technicians....and now, Doctor Dog, I'll show you what Rodent-rend can do... we're going to pour some on you and watch Dinky here start eating you alive... heh heh heh.'

"Ramu, I barked, Now or never!... Hitler looked at Ts'u Hsi and they started back in terror as Ramu enlarged himself, grabbed them in his powerful pincers and beat their heads together until they were both dead....Paralyzed by the sudden demise of their leader, the other cats cowered in corners, trying to escape Ramu's fury....Hurry, I yelped biting through Dinky's bonds."

"Just then, the door burst open and the Calicoes and Persians in the anteroom charged in, claws bared, hissing and caterwauling with rage. True to form, Ramu disposed of them in short order until the Queen's apartment was lined with dead and dying cats."

'So much for them,' Ramu said, cleaning his pincers and reducing his size somewhat. 'Com'on, jump into my pocket, we have no time to lose. If we don't get going, chances are we'll have to fight our way out.'

"Depositing a trembling Dinky in one of Ramu's pockets, I jumped in another... and shrinking as Ramu shrank and enlarging as he enlarged we sped back across the rivers of sewage, up through the storm drains, up, up, up and out through an open manhole."

'Why look, we're in Central Park,' Dinky yapped as we emerged.

"There must be dozens of entrances to the Underground, I replied, who'd ever have thought all that was going on right here under the city? Wait until I tell Crystal!"

'She'll never believe you,' Ramu said, minimalizing himself. 'She'll think you were philandering.'

"Don't you think it's unusual that Tz'u Hsi should have known all about me?"

'Not at all...' Ramu replied, 'all animals are psychic...and scientists are very much in demand these days... even I knew who you were,'

'I'll never be able to look a cat in the eyes again,' whimpered Dinky.'

"Ramu perched on my head. 'Don't forget now,' he said, 'you're going to speak to someone about my problem...you promised.'

"I will as soon as I can contact someone who will understand me."

'You will, I'm sure.'

"Yes, I will...I promise. How else, could I ever repay you for everything you've done?"

'Just remember me flying around homeless. I need a place to relax in and rest up from time to time... somewhere I could call my very own with lush gardens where I could stalk, mosquitoes and other undesirable insects. '

"Then we watched with awe as Ramu enlarged himself over the Central Park Reservoir and soared away into the night sky.

"Where do you live, Dinky?" I asked.

'East Seventy-First Street...'

"Com'on, I'll walk you home."

"By the time I said goodbye to Dinky and walked down to Sixty-Fifth Street, the sun was just rising and I was dead tired. Ambling through the open gates and up the steps of the Greenfield mansion, I scratched on the big oak doors. When no one answered, I curled up on the doormat and fell sound asleep."

Hopkins' voice woke me. 'Miss Rae, Miss Rae, he's back, he's here - oh, come quick.'

"Moments later, Rae and Crystal descended in the elevator and picked up my front paws, asking me where I'd been. I was so tired my legs would hardly support me but I managed to stand up, wag my tail and hang my head remorsefully... What could I say? If I told them of the horrors I'd been through in the underground world of the cats and rats, they'd never have believed me."

"Crystal padded up and sniffed me all over. I could see she was angry and tried to explain in a few groans what had happened. It's very dangerous down there,I told her... they have this toxin... think I destroyed it but I'm not sure... could be fatal for humans as well."

'Will you stop babbling,' Crystal snapped. 'Admit it you were holed up somewhere with some sweet smelling ball of fur.... You can't imagine what happened when you disappeared... the chauffeur running after you, then Hopkins finding a policeman and being so rattled he couldn't make anyone understand what had happened. We spent the next six hours driving back and forth on every street in midtown Manhattan. How do you think we felt? And when we finally got back here, Hopkins began playing those songs of his on the organ and Rae cried herself to sleep... she's been red-eyed all week.'

"All week? You mean I've been gone for a week?"

'And a day.'

"Between pats and hugs from Rae and Hopkins and bowls of kibble mixed with egg and lard, I told Crystal as much as I could of what had happened. How I met Hitler and was saved by Ramu... about the laboratory and the dangerous things that were going on below the streets of Manhattan and how we'd better leave town."

Crystal smiled as though I was insane. 'But you're right about getting out of town... better get her out before Straker kills her... he was here yesterday.'

"Here?"

'Yes, he came for tea.'

"My hair stood on end. Though I was exhausted, I suddenly came awake. Just as well I wasn't here, I yelped, I'd have killed the bastard. How did that happen?"

'Rae called his office the very next day and invited him over, just like that. She was very calm... think she was in the mood to negotiate a truce with him, but he was vicious, really insulting; kept trying to provoke her, hoping she'd lose it and blurt out something about your research papers. I had the impression he's going to be in big trouble if he doesn't get your papers - money trouble.'

"Good."

'I also think he has the idea that Rae knows he shot us... of course, she doesn't and that makes it really dangerous for her. He sat there clenching and unclenching his big fat hands, blowing on the tips of his fingers like he wanted to strangle her... If something happened to her, just think what would happen to us!

"We have to guard her."

'Of course, we do... and you away for a whole week! You should be ashamed of yourself.'

"I was not out on the town, I was trapped underneath it and in danger of my life."

'Irving!'

"Listen, you remember Ramu, don't you?... He was real, wasn't he? He saved us once... we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for him,"

Crystal nodded.

"Then why can't you believe that I met the Empress Tz'u Hsi and Hitler in cats' bodies?"

'I can't. I just can't.'

"I changed the subject... If I could just chew up those papers of mine, that would be the end of it."

' You don't get it...It doesn't matter, as long as Straker thinks she's got them... she's in great danger and now the President has become involved.'

"What President?"

'Irving!..... The President of the United States, of course. Didn't Rae always say she'd get to him? Well, she has. After the first Gloria van Dam show was aired, while you were out on your binge, she got a call from the White House. There's going to be an expedition to your old lab - a real showdown.'

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